finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this