[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The Sun
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.