I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You Might Also Like
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.