Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.