When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.