Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that