a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
🔦🌙👣
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no