Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Laser_Cat's best tweets

@Laser_Cat : The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I'm thinking about trying FedEx.

@Laser_Cat: "You're going out with that boy again? He's no good."

"Relax, grandma."

*furiously knits a condom*

"Grandma, that's not how it works."

@Laser_Cat: If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

@Laser_Cat: Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six...

@Laser_Cat: If Skyrim has taught me anything, it's that you should always check people's urns for gold. Don't be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@Laser_Cat: God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@Laser_Cat: *sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@Laser_Cat: *leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*

@Laser_Cat: The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

@Laser_Cat: [interview]

So what's a personal strength?

"Honesty."

And a failing?

"I murder people who don't hire me."