Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Laser_Cat's best tweets

@Laser_Cat : When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@Laser_Cat: You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It's like $6. The internet doesn't make behaving very easy.

@Laser_Cat: Most genies won't tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

@Laser_Cat: The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I'm thinking about trying FedEx.

@Laser_Cat: "You're going out with that boy again? He's no good."

"Relax, grandma."

*furiously knits a condom*

"Grandma, that's not how it works."

@Laser_Cat: If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

@Laser_Cat: Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six...

@Laser_Cat: If Skyrim has taught me anything, it's that you should always check people's urns for gold. Don't be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@Laser_Cat: God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@Laser_Cat: *sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*