My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.