Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!