My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
You Might Also Like
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.