The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired