“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..