yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
You Might Also Like
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I鈥檓 gonna turn the damn thing off.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
HER: I鈥檓 breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C 隆 !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My friend鈥檚 DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren鈥檛 you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that鈥檚 what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it鈥檚 gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice