So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”