isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.