Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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This squirrel eats better than I do
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please