@LifeUnPinterest: I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place...
@LifeUnPinterest: All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
@LifeUnPinterest: My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
@LifeUnPinterest: FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
@LifeUnPinterest: *Adorns new baby with:
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*
They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn't cry!
@LifeUnPinterest: My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
@LifeUnPinterest: Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler's footie jammies and am comforted to know she'll do well in prison.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled "pantry."
@LifeUnPinterest: Spoiler alert: The people who can't believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won't be able to believe they're in any grade, any year ever