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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Yoga Matt
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm