I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.