Funny Tweeter

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Page of LindaInDisguise's best tweets

@LindaInDisguise : I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can't even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service*

Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."

@LindaInDisguise: I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

@LindaInDisguise: The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@LindaInDisguise: Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@LindaInDisguise: Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

"I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody."

"Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies."

@LindaInDisguise: Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You're writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.

@LindaInDisguise: Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

@LindaInDisguise: Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.