@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service*
Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."
@LindaInDisguise: I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
@LindaInDisguise: The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
@LindaInDisguise: Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
@LindaInDisguise: Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
"I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody."
"Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies."
@LindaInDisguise: Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You're writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you?
Me: One TINY Google.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.