And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day