*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed