I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.