People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*puts cutlery down*
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Still my favourite meme.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business