I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Is this you?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.