😏😏😏
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows