Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I think we should hear other voices.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Candles never taste the way they smell
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.