me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!