Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Natty or not?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed