I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The game has officially changed 😎
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover