Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LurkAtHomeMom's best tweets

@LurkAtHomeMom : My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

@LurkAtHomeMom: 5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@LurkAtHomeMom: My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

@LurkAtHomeMom: I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

@LurkAtHomeMom: I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

@LurkAtHomeMom: Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

@LurkAtHomeMom: If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.