Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LurkAtHomeMom's best tweets

@LurkAtHomeMom : Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@LurkAtHomeMom: 6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

@LurkAtHomeMom: The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a "sundae second." It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

@LurkAtHomeMom: I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender's saying it's called a "Mojito."

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?