Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LurkAtHomeMom's best tweets

@LurkAtHomeMom : I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender's saying it's called a "Mojito."

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@LurkAtHomeMom: 1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you're an 80's ghost or some shit

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: What's the score, who's winning?

Therapist: Ok so that's really not how couples counseling works.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

@LurkAtHomeMom: 7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

@LurkAtHomeMom: Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I'm officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

@LurkAtHomeMom: If you're going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: Pick that up!
7: Can't you?
Me: You're lower to the ground
7: But you're used to doing things that aren't fun

How's your summer going?