I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore