Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Oh my God.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.