[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
A drum solo but on your face.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL