@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.
@Manda_like_wine: Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
@Manda_like_wine: Results are in: a lot of people took the "never change" yearbook inscription way too seriously.
@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
@Manda_like_wine: Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.