Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*