Funny Tweeter

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Page of MandiAtRandom's best tweets

@MandiAtRandom : *has hiccups for 30 seconds* MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

@MandiAtRandom: [explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

@MandiAtRandom: "Can you cook dinner tonight?"

Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light

@MandiAtRandom: *takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do

@MandiAtRandom: I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the "caulk"

@MandiAtRandom: Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?

@MandiAtRandom: Don't describe two completely different things as "apples and oranges" they're both fruit

Say something like "elephants and crystal meth"

@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@MandiAtRandom: "Never go to bed angry" is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

@MandiAtRandom: Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don't know if you noticed... I'm inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage