[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The old gods are rising again.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I thought this was funny lol
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
no cat here
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
oh ffs josh did you not read the email