ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.