tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me