I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this