“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Beware of fowl play.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”