Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : {Company meeting} Pres: Our biggest fears have come true... *I run to check on the donuts *Stroll back in, spitting crumbs "what's wrong?"

@Marlebean: Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I've been thinking about you all night...

@Marlebean: Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: ...
H: It looks good! I like it!
...
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

@Marlebean: They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

@Marlebean: P: ...
M: ...
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that's not how...
Me: I'm very uptight.

@Marlebean: "Make yourself at home." they say, then it's "Ma'am please put your bra back on."

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

@Marlebean: I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I'm really passionate about ducks.

@Marlebean: {marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water...

*therapist scribbles furiously*

@Marlebean: Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn't do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Marlebean: Oops, I "accidentally" left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I'll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.