Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : Do you need to go peepee? -No Are you sure? -Yes How bout you try? -No Ook, goodnight *as soon as I relax* -MOM HELP I'M PEEPING MY PANTS!

@Marlebean: I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@Marlebean: An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

@Marlebean: On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@Marlebean: At what age do kids start sleeping in later than "why do you hate me" o'clock?

@Marlebean: Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream - Yes
Sriracha - No

@Marlebean: I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

@Marlebean: Oh that's cute you think the worst sound is "nails on a chalkboard"... Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@Marlebean: My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@Marlebean: I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can't be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.