Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@Marlebean: Sometimes I say "you're welcommmme" to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@Marlebean: *Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

@Marlebean: *tries CBD oil for the first time*

"OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I'M HIGH! I'M TOTALLY HIGH"

"Ma'am, there are little to no narcotics in that"

"So you're saying there's a chance"

@Marlebean: For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@Marlebean: {hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he'd love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@Marlebean: Had a guy compliment me on my neck...
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from "Twilight" to "The Lost Boys", how freaky is this about to get?

@Marlebean: Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don't come home without it

@Marlebean: "Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How's your... stuff? I haven't seen you in... time."

-I say to the person I don't remember.

@Marlebean: Oh wow, I didn't recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.