Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : When you hear your kid shout "HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!" you know it's about to go down.

@Marlebean: The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I'll pick out her clothes for school.

@Marlebean: I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy...

@Marlebean: I'm sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby's name...

@Marlebean: I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What's a second date like?

@Marlebean: I think a better question is- Where's Waldo's parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds...

@Marlebean: *sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You... *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

@Marlebean: Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@Marlebean: {Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
"Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?"

Wow. That's good

@Marlebean: Me: My neighbor who's a doctor said it's healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars