Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy