Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : I call all my kids "baby" so I don't confuse their names... Like a playa

@Marlebean: You don't know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@Marlebean: Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

@Marlebean: If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

@Marlebean: Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
"HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW"

@Marlebean: I'm sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

@Marlebean: I'm at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

@Marlebean: There's no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

@Marlebean: The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn't do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Marlebean: Officer: ...
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It's ... luxurious