Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : Sometimes I look at my children and think "What did I do to deserve this?" And other times I think "What did I do to deserve this?"

@Marlebean: A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don't Have A Good Personality Either

@Marlebean: Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses....

Damn it!

@Marlebean: "I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky."

"Ma'am, that's not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty."

@Marlebean: If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

@Marlebean: Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: ...

@Marlebean: Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but... well you'll see soon enough.

@Marlebean: Kid...
Me...
Kid...
Me...
Kid...
Me...
Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It's 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

@Marlebean: If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

@Marlebean: It's a bit unnerving when "make chloroform" & "make friends" are the top suggestions as I type "how to" in the search engine...