Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done! I didn't do any of it. But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Marlebean: Officer: ...
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It's ... luxurious

@Marlebean: Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@Marlebean: My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

@Marlebean: *gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

"What did you wish for?"

"I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain."

@Marlebean: *Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

@Marlebean: No, I'm not participating in movember, I'm just Italian.

@Marlebean: Whatever snack my kid doesn't finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she's got a Golden Corral style buffet.

@Marlebean: Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: "... I slept on the couch."

Mmmm yeahh

@Marlebean: I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.