Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marlebean's best tweets

@Marlebean : Kids: CARROTS?! Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@Marlebean: Friend: "You really shouldn't let pets sleep in your bed."
Me: "But I like cuddling!"
Friend: "I think your goldfish is dead now."

@Marlebean: I can't hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

@Marlebean: "Put your hand on the shopping cart or I'm going to put you inside it."

"Mom I'm right here."

"Hand on the cart now. I don't want you to get lost."

"MooOoom"

"5, 4"

"I'M NOT GETTING LOST!"

"3, 2, 1"

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

"I'M 36 MOM!!"

@Marlebean: I'm tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

@Marlebean: I call all my kids "baby" so I don't confuse their names...

Like a playa

@Marlebean: You don't know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@Marlebean: Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

@Marlebean: If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

@Marlebean: Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
"HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW"