@Marlebean: I save my pooping for when I'm at work so I can say "I can't believe I get paid for this shit!"
@Marlebean: Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
@Marlebean: I must be an amazing singer... My daughter is so moved by the music, she's rocking and crying in the corner.
@Marlebean: My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending...
*reads a book "and they lived happily ever after"
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
@Marlebean: "It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again."
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
@Marlebean: Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
@Marlebean: Friend: "You really shouldn't let pets sleep in your bed."
Me: "But I like cuddling!"
Friend: "I think your goldfish is dead now."