I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
X-tra spooky blend
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
technically true but not a great slogan
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.