[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower