“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?