Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me buying fruit and veg
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.