My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack