I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Finally! 😈
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.