This was my dad’s browser history.
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out